It's been four years since I've posted about our little girl. It might as well have been a lifetime. Covid hit. The world when coo coo. The economy has tanked, and inflation seems to have no ceiling. Our country is on the rise to double in population and housing is becoming increasingly in more demand if that were possible. It's been ups and downs that have affected us all and sometimes shifted so slightly that it completely threw off the axis and we haven't felt the effects from that yet. But we will.
In these passing years something powerful has happened too. Marley has grown up. She stands at three feet eleven inches tall with cascading brown hair and lost blonde locks clinging to the ends. It's mostly straight, with a kink or two from sleeping. She has really blue eyes, but not like the beach, more like the stars and stripes blue, deep and dark. Her whole face talks when she talks, and I often think of the first time her face smiled- at not a month old in the hospital she grinned, and I asked the nurse how many muscles we have in our face. We all admired and a few hours later she came back and told me 43. She looked it up. I'd love to say that I remember that detail, but I had to look it up again while writing this. I guess things are fading....
Marley is now in ballet and soccer and finishing up her first year at school, Kindergarten. She's one of the oldest in her class and for now that has been the best choice. What keeps me leaning our local school way is the friends she's made. Marley has a magnet for finding her people. I have a policy of not playing with the kids at the playground unless no one else is there. See, if I don't play then she is forced to go out and talk to the others that are there. She socializes and goes out of her comfort zone to meet kids. Sometimes they are her age and sometimes they are a small bit older, but she finds them. She plays hard and leads them into such fun games. She laughs all the time. She loves chase, but only if you don't catch her and she has the strongest legs. She's going to be a runner- she is faster than everyone and she does everything with intention and a passion.
We still call Marley's right arm Rue, but not in public. She whispered for me to not one day a few months ago. It makes sense, its time, but man did it hurt. We still point out other people or animals who have a physical difference and she is still super excited to talk about and see a prosthetic in person. But she is gladly moving on with her life without thinking twice about how she modifies her own doings to accommodate her. She is joyful. Euphoric. And changing the perceptions of those around her that spend any amount of time thinking on her difference. She doesn't worry about anything- the joys of the youth. I find myself thinking at soccer if they line up on the opposite side because of her. Or if they hold hands here or there if the teacher prepped the other student? Or if they lift the light to the left instead of the right at ballet, is it because that the way she has to go. Probably. Those are all things I think of. And I'm sure they think of. But it hasn't dawned on her yet. That's a good thing!
Nuts and bolts- she is starting to pitch down to a C position of her fingers and wrist. Her arm has grown; we can see that. While the length gap has gotten bigger, it's also gotten less noticeable. The scars have faded, and the skin has settled in. I would think Marley's progress would be considered a success. Which has also been why I have been silent.
It's hard to capture the details when you are in it. We rarely take a step back and look with a bird's eye view the whole picture. It can feel like time is both a thief and a gift- it passes and all that we have been watching fade into the background of memories and we barrel on towards the inevitable end. Marley is six. I'd like to think she has her whole life in front of her. I remind my older kids that the memories you forge with Marley now she may remember her whole life. But they will fade some and she won't be able to recall the smallest minutia. That doesn't mean we don't still try to. I try to dig deep and unearth some pretend play I had in my cousin's tree of having superpowers to fly. But I can't remember what anyone else was. Or what I was wearing. Or everyone that was there, no matter how hard I try. I remember getting a barbie once that wasn't exactly the one that I wanted and not being grateful enough for the giver. My mom talked to me about it later and that has formed how I receive gifts even now. Will Marley remember when someone whispered in her direction or pointed or eyed her. Will she remember the conversations I have with other parents or the one time I am bound to slip up and say something about her that she didn't know I did? That though scares me.
We still spend very little time talking about Rue. We spend very little time talking about anything other than colleges for my oldest, basketball and relationships for my middle, and summer plans with my son. But for Marley its play all the time. So about three weeks ago on a marketing call for our business we had a pitch for the nonprofit we work with to tell a story about Marley. I didn't answer right away. I waited a bit too long contemplating. And I suppose that was strategic. I neither acknowledged it nor vetoed it, I just left it in limbo land of indecision. That's unlike me as I live by keep moving forward. But this was different. This isn't about me, and ultimately it doesn't really affect me. While driving her home from school one day I told her our marketing team wanted to do a story about her- about her limb difference and meet with Aaron and the form 5 team at the store. She thought for only a second and asked if she would be on tv. I said she would be on Instagram and a few other places, but people could heart that just like she does on my feed. She lit up. A vehement yes. I asked a few more times are you sure, and without a second thought she said yes, yes, yes. That was not what I expected. Marley's limb difference is not the most interesting thing about her, so much that again, we do not even think about it.
Or do I? Perhaps I am more like the other people I try hard not to be than I thought. And I am miffed by that. Am I secretly making it the most important thing about her by not making it about her at all? This feels all so conundrum. It is a part of her and while not the most important, it is such a significant part of her. Its why we chose the nonprofit to work with. Its why we cheer and leap for the wins and successes that Aaron has had. Its why I think I may have inadvertently volunteered to chair his original nonprofit. It is also why Aaron grew this thing and has since moved on to more and different things- his limb difference not being the most important thing, but fully engrained in him. Like one and the same. I feel like I am having a real matrix moment here! Maybe I am the one who needed the bird's eye view of reflection.
Of course, my indecision left no time to cultivate a story worth sharing this time. There will still be a picture and a post that you can heart. And ultimately it may be the deciding factor in why I am back on this blog sharing my ramblings, but it still feels good, and it feels right. It feels time to embrace the whole picture of Marley and our path and share her story in a whole new way. This time it's not about the obvious, but obviously all about her.
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