I thought this would be easy. When I wrote my first post, it was. The words trailed off my fingertips so easily before I knew it I had multiple posts at the ready. But, I failed to account for how painful this would be to relive it again. Not just for me but for everyone surrounding me. For those closest that lived in the raw each with their own perspective. I didn’t anticipate reading it tears filling up so full in my eyes that I couldn’t even see the words on the screen. I didn’t account for how hard it would be, how pure. Unaltered. How sensitive I am to the subject matter. Because it’s over, in the past. But it has affected us all in ways that we didn’t even see coming. I find myself asking is it too much to share, is this too personal. For I genuinely care about those around me and their experience as well. It’s not just me, I’m not an island. I worry that Marley will look back wondering why I shared so many details of her life, of her birth into this world. I worry she will ask me if I would change it all. It’s sounds so sad. So broken.
But it was so much more than that. So much more than the fear and sadness that I write. It was beyond words of elation bringing her into this world. It was more than the others because this one solidified our walk together- each of us in this family. My children at an age to understand that we are not given tomorrow and for this tiny small moment we are this family of six, complete in its intended form. God blessed us a thousand times over. And the very fact that we got to bring her home, into a room so carefully decorated and prepared for her arrival, complete with a letter board that ready MG one day old, was unmeasurable in joy. And we were given a gift so often overlooked by its recipients- we have today and we have each other, and if we don’t ever forget- we have God. Choose happy. When I stopped talking to everyone... I didn’t have answers to give to questions not asked. I felt the reminder that I have to look at even those small tiny feats and feel the presence of joy in them. The smile from the barista at the coffee shop on the first floor. The caring eyes from the other person sharing the elevator with me knowing we are all there in this place and it’s hard. The checkout clerk from the cafe that gave an extra milk for my tea. The fact that today, my baby opened her eyes and breathed over the ventilator. Wins. Joys. God.
But it was so much more than that. So much more than the fear and sadness that I write. It was beyond words of elation bringing her into this world. It was more than the others because this one solidified our walk together- each of us in this family. My children at an age to understand that we are not given tomorrow and for this tiny small moment we are this family of six, complete in its intended form. God blessed us a thousand times over. And the very fact that we got to bring her home, into a room so carefully decorated and prepared for her arrival, complete with a letter board that ready MG one day old, was unmeasurable in joy. And we were given a gift so often overlooked by its recipients- we have today and we have each other, and if we don’t ever forget- we have God. Choose happy. When I stopped talking to everyone... I didn’t have answers to give to questions not asked. I felt the reminder that I have to look at even those small tiny feats and feel the presence of joy in them. The smile from the barista at the coffee shop on the first floor. The caring eyes from the other person sharing the elevator with me knowing we are all there in this place and it’s hard. The checkout clerk from the cafe that gave an extra milk for my tea. The fact that today, my baby opened her eyes and breathed over the ventilator. Wins. Joys. God.
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