Pride Wrestles Humility

Pride is a powerful thing. It can control us. Dictate our actions. Impede us from doing what we should. I watched a man leave a volleyball game because the line judge asked the front row to move up per rule. He walked out. Forget who he was there to see. Pride of what he believed that he was being singled out (which he was after he refused to move) and wouldn’t move to the second row. Pride also makes us believe we are more in control than we really are. Pride is what made me believe that after three perfect pregnancies and three beautiful healthy children I was above having complications. My body was a pro at doing this. Pride, I couldn’t deny it.

I remember sitting there, alone, almost one year ago and feeling so empty. My resources were spent during labor and there was nothing left but a hollow feeling. A void. I felt so insignificant on this great big earth. So very, very small. I remember the way my feet looked under the sheets and how cold I was. I remember how much I shook during and after birth. It was uncontrollable. How sitting there alone I never turned on the tv, and the silence was very empty. I didn’t recognize it as humility. I didn’t choose to consciously think of anything. Your mind can play tricks... from the worst of thoughts to disbelief thoughts. Fact was my baby wasn’t with me and I was humbled.

I realize this isn’t how we all think. And I am not prideful enough to think I have it figured out. I can’t decide if everytime I cover my baby’s arm with a blanket or her shirt sleeve is to protect it or to protect me from answering questions that I don’t want to right now. Does my pride of perfection get in my way?? I know this- when I look in the mirror and see the last remnants of my baby belly that I don’t berate myself for not working out today... I am exactly how I am today and today only. Tomorrow I’ll be the next day version of me. I refuse to let my pride make me feel anything less than perfect. Perfectly humbled. Perfectly humbled that I bear the stretched skin of four babies so perfectly made that and not one ounce of prideful. Just eternally grateful.