I woke up this morning feeling very defeated. Heavy. I joined a group for ladies last night and shared my first post on Marley’s differences and there was very little response. I felt exposed. That what had to say was wrong. I felt like this world had just swallowed my heart and left me with future years of parenting Marley wrong. That somehow I was already making mistakes- limiting her capabilities. Unsupportive. I do parent her differently. I’ve broken all my own parenting rules with her. We cosleep. She didn’t get swaddled in the hospital and I am constantly worried her cries are of pain and she doesn’t have the capacity to tell us yet. It’s irrational. She is just fine and happy, but it stays there in the back of my subconscious and I can’t shake it. I don’t show any tough love- give her whatever she wants! She’s been through so much and I spoil her. I was tough as nails with my older kids, but I am soft as butter with her. I sometimes treat her like I only have the one child. Okay, so that last one is so completely wrong and I absolutely love an adore my amazing three other kids. I could not do half of the things I do without their constant help. I hit the lottery with the amount of love we all bestow on each other (when they are not screaming at each other!). But it’s been so long since we’ve had a baby and then add the procedures on top and I want to relish in all the time I can with her.
I’ve posted on Instagram, and there’s a chance you’ve made it here because of one of my posts. Maybe not. While I like social media I don’t spend a lot of time on it. I don’t do Facebook- there’s so many privacy rules that I’m terrified of it! But I admit that I check for likes and get a warm fuzzy feeling that if someone hearts my picture that it means I’ve got people that truly like us. But what I didn’t expect is the shift that if one image didn’t get as many that I would feel actually bad about it. I didn’t see that coming. When I didn’t care if I had two followers now I think what did I lose two in this last post. I feel myself retract and pout and pull away saying I don’t need to do this- I shouldn’t put my baby out there. I think that I should have had a more clearer message and that I am not doing this right. Then creeps in fear. And guilt. That I am not good enough. With fear and guilt breeds anger. And suddenly I’m like- I don’t need this, I don’t care what you think.
I didn’t start this because I cared what other people thought. I didn’t do it for approval. I did this because I am so totally in love with my girl that I thought that others should get to know us, get to know her too. Some experiences I think can be felt in words. And someone else out there is having a baby with a complication that didn’t see coming coming and feels alienated. And maybe they’ll stumble upon me just like I did Bryers song.
I know your most likely not against me. And I spend very little time “liking” others even if I love the images. I don’t even think about it until I do then I go on a heart frenzy. It’s not a reflection of our realistic society. And if I lose all followers and get down to one, that’s enough. It is. My heart is big and I love you all whether you’ve made it here or not. I do. If I screw this up, I did it out of love and it was pure. That’s more than I can ever say about my whole life. Because up until this point- nothing else has truly mattered.
I’ve posted on Instagram, and there’s a chance you’ve made it here because of one of my posts. Maybe not. While I like social media I don’t spend a lot of time on it. I don’t do Facebook- there’s so many privacy rules that I’m terrified of it! But I admit that I check for likes and get a warm fuzzy feeling that if someone hearts my picture that it means I’ve got people that truly like us. But what I didn’t expect is the shift that if one image didn’t get as many that I would feel actually bad about it. I didn’t see that coming. When I didn’t care if I had two followers now I think what did I lose two in this last post. I feel myself retract and pout and pull away saying I don’t need to do this- I shouldn’t put my baby out there. I think that I should have had a more clearer message and that I am not doing this right. Then creeps in fear. And guilt. That I am not good enough. With fear and guilt breeds anger. And suddenly I’m like- I don’t need this, I don’t care what you think.
I didn’t start this because I cared what other people thought. I didn’t do it for approval. I did this because I am so totally in love with my girl that I thought that others should get to know us, get to know her too. Some experiences I think can be felt in words. And someone else out there is having a baby with a complication that didn’t see coming coming and feels alienated. And maybe they’ll stumble upon me just like I did Bryers song.
I know your most likely not against me. And I spend very little time “liking” others even if I love the images. I don’t even think about it until I do then I go on a heart frenzy. It’s not a reflection of our realistic society. And if I lose all followers and get down to one, that’s enough. It is. My heart is big and I love you all whether you’ve made it here or not. I do. If I screw this up, I did it out of love and it was pure. That’s more than I can ever say about my whole life. Because up until this point- nothing else has truly mattered.
Comments
Post a Comment