Small Feats, Big Wins

I didn’t post this week. I shortened my Instagram useage. I felt my voice soften and I stayed more silent than I have. I reflected. Nothing monumental happened. I felt off, but still happy. I prepped for the half marathon. I got excited. I got overwhelmed. I got quiet. I read a lot. I cried. I followed new people that have been through so much. I felt guilty of making our past seem so big, when I saw others sharing their grief of lost children on Infant Loss Rememberance Day. And I kinda crumbled inside. I felt it for others. Then Friday night I read the Children Champion stories for each mile of the run and I felt joy that I was about to be a part. I also felt humbled. And then self deprecating. I knew I wasn’t going to break any records and that I may have to walk some. And late last night in a fury of a momentary argument I yelled it doesn’t even matter and I felt the deep pang of those words. And he did too. I was sorry.

I realize that deep within us all are tiny feats. Bitty wins. I think of the times I’ve laughed my sides off with my cousins. I think of all the times I’ve nestled to close to my husband. I think of how I raised three amazing children while balancing being a housekeeper, realtor, property manager, and then continued with another baby on my hip. I’ve not done it alone, Russ has been right by my side and my parents are there too. But days that I didn’t get a single thing done can feel like such failures. We expect these monumental moments all time, a baseline for success. But, what really matters is how we finished the day. How we treated each other. How we treated ourselves. Sometimes those feats are just opening your eyes. An extra hug. Not speeding. Getting everyone to bed eventually. Maybe it’s just a smile. And sometimes it’s staying silent when the words you know you’d say are really hurtful.

If we comprise our little tiny insignificant feats and gather them up in our book, we have our wins. True success. I didn’t feel it all the way this week. But they were there. They were there.

I am at a loss of words for what my cousins made happen this week to run this half Marathon with me. Your wins were both little and so so big. They mattered. One even celebrated a birthday with all traveling and I’m grateful. We finished on a cold day and I can’t help but beam with overwhelming joy. JOY. Clapping hands with each mile champions was so awesome. Seeing our family at mile 10 was everything. This race meant absolutely nothing. It didn’t. But it was monumental in every single way. A big win. It was for us. We ran for Marley, we ran for each other, we ran for ourselves. You didn’t leave me when I walked even though you could have crushed your times. And we finished with a glorious 2 hours 14 minutes and loose change. Well done, praise God. I hung my medal in my closet. I slipped on my celebratory bracelet from L and I snuggled back in my Marleymakessix t-shirt, while I watched my inspiration scoot across the floor with a big slice of celebratory pizza in one hand.