A handful of weeks ago I got to thinking about the Nationwide Children’s Marathon. There was a time when I actually wanted to bucket list run a marathon. There’s a girl who runs all over our town. She’s awesome. She’s ran Boston and is so cool looking doing it. I’d think- I want to be like her. But, that also seems like a lot of work! So enviously I’d drive past leaving a little extra room for her to run safely.
Fast forward to eight weeks out, I text my cousin and say “do you think we could do this?”, like we were discussing taking a class or going out for drinks. It could be done... and so I went and ran 3 miles on the treadmill. I fell to the floor and laid there “what was I thinking”. I can’t do this. A week later I run five. It was hard. I felt every ache, pain, stress, breathing. I was self deprecating. Unmotivated. Another week after that I still wasn’t sure. When my cousin said we had enough to start a team and we could run under marleymakessix I was sold. I had never considered that I’d be running for my daughter. I’m not sure why not exactly, I guess I just didn’t think about it. When I told my husband he asked why I would run under anything else?
Next came the planning. Exactly six weeks out. Oh my. I hooked up with my other cousin and used her running schedule. The first time I ran with her I wasn’t sure I had it in me. Why was I still doubting myself? I didn’t keep up. I couldn’t surpass a 10 minute mile and somehow that didn’t feel good enough. I told my husband I didn’t expect him to come watch- I didn’t want him to see me anyways. When we ran 7 miles on the long, we stuck together until mile 4. She ran on and I walked. Never is there a time I was more in my head than then. Walking alone to catch my breath. In the trees on the path. It was so hot. I craved water- but more than that I wanted to stop. I wanted feel it in my heart, but I didn’t. I was too far from the car that I’d be there all day and I didn’t want her to have to wait on me. I put in my headphones and I started again. It’s easy to say that I thought a lot about Marley. But I didn’t. Well kinda. I thought a lot about myself on that last two miles. I thought of how many times I’ve given up when challenged. I thought of how much Marley’s life affected us. How nothing would be the same- babies change everything. I thought of how I wasn’t enough. How sometimes I just stop and how much I hold in, how little I say sometimes. I thought of how easy it all should be, but it’s not. Day in and day out and it can all feel so hard. Wallowing in fear and doubt. Insecurity. I thought of how bad I probably look running, super red face from lack of oxygen I’m guessing due to multiple sinus infections impeding my breathing. I thought of how I didn’t have to do this. And then like an epiphany I thought “why am I doing this?” But I also thought of how it’s okay if I run like 20 minutes longer than my cousins- they’ll wait for me at the finish.
In true God form I heard The song and all I could think about is one day my girls thinking of something to try and it’s really hard, and she could think of quitting, but she’ll know she gave up even when it didn’t matter. But it would matter to her. Then I saw for just a moment crossing the finish line and seeing my family there wearing marleymakessix- something I created. Just for me to share with everyone else. I cried. And then I ran.
It wasn’t my best run. And neither was my last one. Who knows how I’ll finish. And I’m a bit scared. But excited too. A bucket list achievement almost complete. It will have to be enough. Wake up tomorrow and find a desire- something to conquer. Do it for yourself. Do it for someone else. Keep moving forward. I believe in you. That’s it.
Fast forward to eight weeks out, I text my cousin and say “do you think we could do this?”, like we were discussing taking a class or going out for drinks. It could be done... and so I went and ran 3 miles on the treadmill. I fell to the floor and laid there “what was I thinking”. I can’t do this. A week later I run five. It was hard. I felt every ache, pain, stress, breathing. I was self deprecating. Unmotivated. Another week after that I still wasn’t sure. When my cousin said we had enough to start a team and we could run under marleymakessix I was sold. I had never considered that I’d be running for my daughter. I’m not sure why not exactly, I guess I just didn’t think about it. When I told my husband he asked why I would run under anything else?
Next came the planning. Exactly six weeks out. Oh my. I hooked up with my other cousin and used her running schedule. The first time I ran with her I wasn’t sure I had it in me. Why was I still doubting myself? I didn’t keep up. I couldn’t surpass a 10 minute mile and somehow that didn’t feel good enough. I told my husband I didn’t expect him to come watch- I didn’t want him to see me anyways. When we ran 7 miles on the long, we stuck together until mile 4. She ran on and I walked. Never is there a time I was more in my head than then. Walking alone to catch my breath. In the trees on the path. It was so hot. I craved water- but more than that I wanted to stop. I wanted feel it in my heart, but I didn’t. I was too far from the car that I’d be there all day and I didn’t want her to have to wait on me. I put in my headphones and I started again. It’s easy to say that I thought a lot about Marley. But I didn’t. Well kinda. I thought a lot about myself on that last two miles. I thought of how many times I’ve given up when challenged. I thought of how much Marley’s life affected us. How nothing would be the same- babies change everything. I thought of how I wasn’t enough. How sometimes I just stop and how much I hold in, how little I say sometimes. I thought of how easy it all should be, but it’s not. Day in and day out and it can all feel so hard. Wallowing in fear and doubt. Insecurity. I thought of how bad I probably look running, super red face from lack of oxygen I’m guessing due to multiple sinus infections impeding my breathing. I thought of how I didn’t have to do this. And then like an epiphany I thought “why am I doing this?” But I also thought of how it’s okay if I run like 20 minutes longer than my cousins- they’ll wait for me at the finish.
In true God form I heard The song and all I could think about is one day my girls thinking of something to try and it’s really hard, and she could think of quitting, but she’ll know she gave up even when it didn’t matter. But it would matter to her. Then I saw for just a moment crossing the finish line and seeing my family there wearing marleymakessix- something I created. Just for me to share with everyone else. I cried. And then I ran.
It wasn’t my best run. And neither was my last one. Who knows how I’ll finish. And I’m a bit scared. But excited too. A bucket list achievement almost complete. It will have to be enough. Wake up tomorrow and find a desire- something to conquer. Do it for yourself. Do it for someone else. Keep moving forward. I believe in you. That’s it.
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