September 26, 2017
I’ve written in the paper journal miss Sophia gave me- but in this one I want to write down the memories of these past 24 days that I pray I never forget...
The moment Marley was born and I knew something was wrong with her hand. The way Russ looked when she came out and he said that was awesome and he had a hold of me, unknown of what we were about to go through. The moment he was unsure which to choose- and I said go with her! Now!
Standing in the room on “C” side with all those people looking at us when Dr B quietly raised her hand and said we have to do surgery and we have to do it soon. The way my sleep deprived husband stood there and said “wow, that changes everything. I just want to say that if we do nothing and this is who she is, she’s perfect”. With that moment of pause and struggle for air and composure and with tears and a whisper says “she’s perfect”. There is not a moment ever in our life that is not more perfect than that. It trumps all. Our wedding, our first time, our children’s births... because in that moment every important moment of our lives including Madison, Sophia, and Ethan, they were all present in that. They were all bottled up together- that no matter what anyone says, does, looks like, and sounds like they were made that way by the hand of God. They were all there. Perfectly, fearfully, and wonderfully made. May I never ever forget the pureness in that moment.
My other memories seem pale in comparison to that, but may I remember Russ helping me the first time I used the bathroom facilities in the Blue Jackets Room... the numbness I felt when we came back from the second surgery and they had moved us rooms and some of our stuff was still scattered. When I asked the nurses they grabbed the rest like porters in a hotel. How I felt with Timid Tammy (Jennifer) when she handed me tissues that I had brought and couldn’t muster the words to speak to her. How Dr B came running out of the first surgery with great news that it was just skin only and stood there in the waiting room happy. Or the way she brought us into the conference room after surgery #2 to tell us she had to remove muscle from the top and it wasn’t as good as she hoped after all. The way I met Dr David Martin when he was so happy for me that I went home finally :) Or the sadness that there were no words for after the wound change in “B” when I saw her arm for the first time for real of what she was dealing with. The pain I knew she would feel. How Bill came in after it was done and the lights were low and there were no words so we all just sat there in silence. When he left how much we wanted to cry and how for the first time tears never came. Numbness. The next night I stayed at the hospital by myself. Stayed and finally cried. Until I heard the code blue call over head and my nurse Lauren runs out of the room, but the baby (Jonah) didn’t make it and I heard the wailing like you do on tv. Until it stopped and I knew she left. Home- maybe? Without her baby.
That was the last time I cried over my pity party self for my daughter. No matter what she was going to go home. Perfect and perfectly made.
I’ll end on a good one- how Nurse Emma, Monica, and Tessa all came in to visit me on C5 Burn unit and the joy I felt in seeing them. I know the final memory from this hospital one month in- will be seeing it from my rear view mirror as I finally get to take my baby home.
Praise God always.
I’ve written in the paper journal miss Sophia gave me- but in this one I want to write down the memories of these past 24 days that I pray I never forget...
The moment Marley was born and I knew something was wrong with her hand. The way Russ looked when she came out and he said that was awesome and he had a hold of me, unknown of what we were about to go through. The moment he was unsure which to choose- and I said go with her! Now!
Standing in the room on “C” side with all those people looking at us when Dr B quietly raised her hand and said we have to do surgery and we have to do it soon. The way my sleep deprived husband stood there and said “wow, that changes everything. I just want to say that if we do nothing and this is who she is, she’s perfect”. With that moment of pause and struggle for air and composure and with tears and a whisper says “she’s perfect”. There is not a moment ever in our life that is not more perfect than that. It trumps all. Our wedding, our first time, our children’s births... because in that moment every important moment of our lives including Madison, Sophia, and Ethan, they were all present in that. They were all bottled up together- that no matter what anyone says, does, looks like, and sounds like they were made that way by the hand of God. They were all there. Perfectly, fearfully, and wonderfully made. May I never ever forget the pureness in that moment.
My other memories seem pale in comparison to that, but may I remember Russ helping me the first time I used the bathroom facilities in the Blue Jackets Room... the numbness I felt when we came back from the second surgery and they had moved us rooms and some of our stuff was still scattered. When I asked the nurses they grabbed the rest like porters in a hotel. How I felt with Timid Tammy (Jennifer) when she handed me tissues that I had brought and couldn’t muster the words to speak to her. How Dr B came running out of the first surgery with great news that it was just skin only and stood there in the waiting room happy. Or the way she brought us into the conference room after surgery #2 to tell us she had to remove muscle from the top and it wasn’t as good as she hoped after all. The way I met Dr David Martin when he was so happy for me that I went home finally :) Or the sadness that there were no words for after the wound change in “B” when I saw her arm for the first time for real of what she was dealing with. The pain I knew she would feel. How Bill came in after it was done and the lights were low and there were no words so we all just sat there in silence. When he left how much we wanted to cry and how for the first time tears never came. Numbness. The next night I stayed at the hospital by myself. Stayed and finally cried. Until I heard the code blue call over head and my nurse Lauren runs out of the room, but the baby (Jonah) didn’t make it and I heard the wailing like you do on tv. Until it stopped and I knew she left. Home- maybe? Without her baby.
That was the last time I cried over my pity party self for my daughter. No matter what she was going to go home. Perfect and perfectly made.
I’ll end on a good one- how Nurse Emma, Monica, and Tessa all came in to visit me on C5 Burn unit and the joy I felt in seeing them. I know the final memory from this hospital one month in- will be seeing it from my rear view mirror as I finally get to take my baby home.
Praise God always.
Comments
Post a Comment