When we finally made it back to the Ronald McDonald House I was both relieved and scared. We were close enough to the hospital if there were complications, but not in the hands of anyone to tell me if something warranted doctors help. I was on my own.
We ate dinner there and Marley did great. Slightly groggy still she ate awesome and was happy. We went upstairs and I took a syringe of medicine with me. She was on three things that were each evenly spaced time between doses and one was to be taken with food. We got back up to our room and she sat on the bed and played my phone while I got ready for bed. She started getting fussy. Achy. I went ahead and gave her the syringe and prepped the tylenol, but wanted to wait until closer to bedtime. I nestled down beside her on the bed and closed my eyes. She fussed louder and I scooped her up on to my chest. It was almost 10pm by this point and I went ahead and gave her the pain meds. She fell asleep as did I. A little while later she wakes up wailing. I try to rub her, pat her, sing and she won't stop crying. She clings to me and I hold her and rock her. She yells momma which I should have anticipated as the sign, but I shoosh her and she promptly projectile vomits all over me and the bed. It was rancid, full of the lasagna and medicine. It was everywhere. The last thing I want is for it to be all over her fresh bandages which cover her arm, all down her back on the right side and she has a drain tube hanging out of her low back on the right side. She is hysterical. I scoop her up and set her on a mat that I had laid out on the floor in the room that I always travel with. I strip her down and go grab a wet wash cloth to wipe her down with. She is now cold, I'm covered in vomit, and I can't lay her back on the bed. She still doesn't want her blankets and there is only one of me to sooth her and clean it all up. I feel pulled in so many directions!
I leave her crying, strip the bed, and change as fast as I can. I wipe as much of it away as I see. I throw all the linens in the laundry basket including her blankets. I put the flat sheet over the bed and lay her in the middle. She won't stop crying. I rearrange her cords and bandages. I cover her with my towel. Crying. I try rocking her and she throws her self backward in a pain tense full body rigid and wailing. She doesn't want touched. But she won't stop. I can't give her anymore medicine and this goes on for hours.
I am emotionally spent. She is physically spent. The dull ache that I know she must feel. I feel heartbroken and I lay there praying over and over. I can't help feel abandoned. I know its irrational. I get up feeling crazy from the helpless tears and I walk in to the bathroom and scream a muffled scream into the towel. I scream words that contradict the message that I say, but they are there in the room with me. Lots of profanity, lots of stress. When I look in the mirror I don't recognize the face before me. I'm hollow. I feel old. My grays spreading out all over my hair, with dark circles under my eyes. There's nothing to do. I tuck back in beside Marley and out of exhaustion she falls into a deep sleep and stays there until 9 am the next morning.
When we wake up, the room smells awful, but she's content and silent and it's time to wash the carnage. I get us both cleaned up and ready for the day. I put her in the stroller and grab the laundry to get washed. We go down to get breakfast.
Its so quiet in the house. We missed the others for breakfast and we sit there alone. I need coffee. There's a Starbucks about a 15 minute walk in a town called Orange a few blocks away. I know we need to get outside. I go back and grab a blanket since it's colder than I expect and we head out. Orange is just as quaint and pretty as I wanted it to be. Orange trees line the center of the town and there is an adorable toy store that we stumble upon. She gets a few things and I buy some things for each of the kiddos waiting for us to come home. Its so sunny out. We get lunch at this Watson's Soda Fountain and Cafe and sit and eat ice cream after. We go to the fountain and take pictures after. Its glorious; I almost don't want to leave. I spend time going in to some of the boutiques. Marley is so calm. I can't believe the heavy heart I experienced the night before. It almost seems surreal. Like a dream.
We make our way back to the RMH and we go to our room and sleep. I get the laundry out and make the bed back. We eat dinner late and play with her toys. Night is coming and I anticipate the aches that come with it.
We ate dinner there and Marley did great. Slightly groggy still she ate awesome and was happy. We went upstairs and I took a syringe of medicine with me. She was on three things that were each evenly spaced time between doses and one was to be taken with food. We got back up to our room and she sat on the bed and played my phone while I got ready for bed. She started getting fussy. Achy. I went ahead and gave her the syringe and prepped the tylenol, but wanted to wait until closer to bedtime. I nestled down beside her on the bed and closed my eyes. She fussed louder and I scooped her up on to my chest. It was almost 10pm by this point and I went ahead and gave her the pain meds. She fell asleep as did I. A little while later she wakes up wailing. I try to rub her, pat her, sing and she won't stop crying. She clings to me and I hold her and rock her. She yells momma which I should have anticipated as the sign, but I shoosh her and she promptly projectile vomits all over me and the bed. It was rancid, full of the lasagna and medicine. It was everywhere. The last thing I want is for it to be all over her fresh bandages which cover her arm, all down her back on the right side and she has a drain tube hanging out of her low back on the right side. She is hysterical. I scoop her up and set her on a mat that I had laid out on the floor in the room that I always travel with. I strip her down and go grab a wet wash cloth to wipe her down with. She is now cold, I'm covered in vomit, and I can't lay her back on the bed. She still doesn't want her blankets and there is only one of me to sooth her and clean it all up. I feel pulled in so many directions!
I leave her crying, strip the bed, and change as fast as I can. I wipe as much of it away as I see. I throw all the linens in the laundry basket including her blankets. I put the flat sheet over the bed and lay her in the middle. She won't stop crying. I rearrange her cords and bandages. I cover her with my towel. Crying. I try rocking her and she throws her self backward in a pain tense full body rigid and wailing. She doesn't want touched. But she won't stop. I can't give her anymore medicine and this goes on for hours.
I am emotionally spent. She is physically spent. The dull ache that I know she must feel. I feel heartbroken and I lay there praying over and over. I can't help feel abandoned. I know its irrational. I get up feeling crazy from the helpless tears and I walk in to the bathroom and scream a muffled scream into the towel. I scream words that contradict the message that I say, but they are there in the room with me. Lots of profanity, lots of stress. When I look in the mirror I don't recognize the face before me. I'm hollow. I feel old. My grays spreading out all over my hair, with dark circles under my eyes. There's nothing to do. I tuck back in beside Marley and out of exhaustion she falls into a deep sleep and stays there until 9 am the next morning.
When we wake up, the room smells awful, but she's content and silent and it's time to wash the carnage. I get us both cleaned up and ready for the day. I put her in the stroller and grab the laundry to get washed. We go down to get breakfast.
Its so quiet in the house. We missed the others for breakfast and we sit there alone. I need coffee. There's a Starbucks about a 15 minute walk in a town called Orange a few blocks away. I know we need to get outside. I go back and grab a blanket since it's colder than I expect and we head out. Orange is just as quaint and pretty as I wanted it to be. Orange trees line the center of the town and there is an adorable toy store that we stumble upon. She gets a few things and I buy some things for each of the kiddos waiting for us to come home. Its so sunny out. We get lunch at this Watson's Soda Fountain and Cafe and sit and eat ice cream after. We go to the fountain and take pictures after. Its glorious; I almost don't want to leave. I spend time going in to some of the boutiques. Marley is so calm. I can't believe the heavy heart I experienced the night before. It almost seems surreal. Like a dream.
We make our way back to the RMH and we go to our room and sleep. I get the laundry out and make the bed back. We eat dinner late and play with her toys. Night is coming and I anticipate the aches that come with it.
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